Keywords
Abstract
This study aims to uncover the biggest unsolved mystery in the academic world: why does the comments of "Reviewer 2" (R2) always turn a sunny and cheerful scientific research dog into a late-night emo writer in an instant? We boldly hypothesize that the R2 keyboard emits a dark matter called "academic depressant particles." To capture this particle, we invented the "Comment Lacrimal Stimulation Index" algorithm, which analyzed R2 comments derived backwards from 1024 "suicide note-style" revision replies. At the same time, we recruited 50 "academic death squads", installed "facial expression recognition cameras" in front of their computers (mainly to capture pupil earthquakes and collapsed corners of the mouth), and asked them to hold "pressure potatoes" (pinch number of explosion recorders). The results were striking: when there was a "lack of innovation" in the R2 review, the area of facial collapse captured by the camera was correlated with the explosion rate of the "pressure potato" at the speed of light! The space-time coupling model shows that the moment R2 presses the "submit review" button, the "happy dopamine levels" of global contributors form a ripple of depression that spreads faster than the speed of light, which perfectly explains why we always receive rejection letters when we are in the best mood. The conclusion of this study is that R2 is the natural immune system of human civilization against the "excessive optimism of scientists".